“Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself, this was far too good not to share” ~ R.T.
Bad news, horse and food fans — European burger processing plants have been combining your two favorite things and calling it “beef.” And don’t start bragging about your superior beef industry, America — despite increased scrutiny over imported beef, it is still entirely possible for a dead horse to sneak into your hamburger at some point, and when it does, it will bring a world-ending zombie outbreak with it.
What’s that? You have no idea how horse meat and a zombie wasteland could possibly be related? Well, keep reading.
#4. They Both Started With Corporations
In Resident Evil, the Umbrella Corporation created the zombie virus as a weapon in biological warfare. The virus then spread to the outside world because of lab failures and experiments gone wrong. In the case of the horse meat scandal, there are multiple corporations implicated, and all of them are pointing their slimy fingers at third-party meat suppliers. But it’s really the same story: A big company with lots of loose strands releases some bad meat/zombie-inducing pathogens into the world. And in both cases, all an outbreak would really require is one dubious employee at the right level of infrastructure to go lip-wigglingly bananas.
#3. The Contamination Spread Through Crappy “Restaurants”
n Zombieland, one of the first things we learn is that patient zero (the person who started the outbreak) got the undead-itis from eating a gas station burger contaminated with mad cow disease, presumably before he or she could succumb to the hepatitis normally associated with meat you buy at a gas station.
Meanwhile, in the horse meat saga, it turns out IKEA was selling Swedish meatballs to their customers that were supposed to be beef and pork but were actually the ground-up birthday wishes of heartbroken little girls. Then, we found out that horseflesh was also being served at British Taco Bells, which is actually better than the fingernails and roach husks they normally serve.
#2. We Can’t Stop the Contamination
In films like Zombieland, Day of the Dead, and Resident Evil, we never see the zombie contamination effectively contained in any way. We just see Woody Harrelson bludgeoning ghouls with a banjo, and he can’t be expected to be available 24/7. The bottom line is, it’s difficult to contain something if you don’t even know where and how it started.
#1. We’re Probably All Contaminated Already
Even after a dozen European countries got involved in the investigation, the horse meat scandal is hardly front page news anymore. The duplicitous meat showed up in Tesco, the third-largest retailer in the world, and people are still going there to buy beef. To compare, would Americans stop buying food from Walmart if we knew horse meat was being sold there as hamburgers? We can’t type “no” hard enough. Millions have probably eaten horse meat by now.
Hence, horsemeat = zombie outbreak = we are all screwed.
Enjoy your day.
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- Vickery Eckhoff on Huff: No Market for U.S. Horse Meat (rtfitchauthor.com)
- Could Horse Meat End Up on Your Dinner Table? (rtfitchauthor.com)
- Taco Bell in Britain finds horse meat in ground beef (horsetalk.co.nz)
- U.S. Boosts Horse-Meat Testing on Imports (rtfitchauthor.com)
- Vickery Eckhoff on the Radio: Horse Meat, Slaughter and Things that go Bump in the Night (rtfitchauthor.com)
- Widening Horse Meat Scandal Prompts Action in the EU (rtfitchauthor.com)
- Save the Horses! Three Lawmakers Will Try to Ban Slaughter for Food (rtfitchauthor.com)
- Horse Meat Found in Six Scottish Schools (rtfitchauthor.com)
- Phenylbutazone Found in Horse Meat in Czech store (rtfitchauthor.com)
- Taco Bell in U.K. Discovers Horse Meat in Ground Beef Products – Bloomberg (bloomberg.com)