Tongue-in-Cheek by R.T. Fitch

Animal Cruelty Runs Amuck at the Department of Interior

Secretary Ken “Bring it On” Salazar minus his hat ~ photo not by R.T. Fitch

HOUSTON (SFTHH) – At a recent equine charity event in southeast Texas Secretary of the Department of the Interior, Ken Salazar, reportedly punched a wild horse in the mouth and rendered him unconscious in front of a herd of witnesses.

According to eye witness reports the Obama appointee showed up at the event somewhat confused or under the influence as he stated he was “stumping” for President Obama’s reelection.

One of the wild burros in attendance leaned over and quietly reminded the Secretary that the election was over and that Obama was reelected to which the campaigner replied “Say what?”

It was at that point a wild horse interjected that he hoped that Salazar was not campaigning on the public’s nickel and without even a second’s pause, the Secretary punched the horse squarely in the mouth while screaming, “I am going to slaughter you boy”.

The attacked wild equine went down like a ton of bricks and witness R.T. Fitch of Wild Horse Freedom Federation rushed to give the horse mouth to mouth resuscitation.

It is reported that Salazar swung so hard at the horse that the impact knocked his signature white straw hat from his head, but before the assailant could recover it a nearby wild burro quickly stomped, crushed and peed on it to the shock and awe of the attending crowd.

In retaliation Salazar reached down and pulled the legendary black hat off from the head of horse medic R.T. Fitch’s head and jumped up and down upon it.  Reportedly, Fitch calmly turned from the fallen horse, who was now coming to, and said something to the effect that “real men where crushable hats.”`

Salazar then made a lunge at Fitch but was promptly stumbled up by a very quick miniature pony who leaned over Salazar’s decked out face and threatened that if Salazar didn’t get his low life ass out of the gathering that the herd would string him up by his Bolo tie.  The Secretary exited on all fours while several benefit attendees called animal control for assistance.

Jerry Finch, president of Habitat for Horses, recorded the violent interaction on his iPhone and said, “It was like he had a psychotic thing against the wild horse, I have never seen anything like it.  Maybe he fell off one when he was a small child.”  Finch posted the video on YouTube under the title of “You ain’t gonna believe this Salazar Shite” and at this writing it has been viewed over 9,000,000 times.

Veterinary records indicate that the assaulted horse will recover but his confidence in the quality of federally appointed public officials is forever marred.  The former wild horse, who requested to remain unnamed stated that: ” I knew that he was the guy who approved the stampede that pulled me and family from our home, separated us forever and then cut my nuts off but cheez…I figured if I could still have a sense of humor that at least he could too.  I really didn’t appreciate being called ‘boy’, either.” he added.

Animal control authorities indicated to this reporter that this was not the first time the Cattle Baron DoI Secretary has assaulted animals.  Records indicate that past incidents have included a savage drunken attack upon Grey Wolves with the governor of Wyoming as co-conspirator and fudging federal census records on sage grouse so as to alter their voting status.

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