Horse Slaughter

The Princess, Duke and a Plan that goes “Doink”, AGAIN

Reprint from SFTHH on March 12th of 2010 ~ by R.T. Fitch

Since the publication of the News Release regarding the investigation into the unethical practices of Wyoming State Rep. “Slaughterhouse” Sue Wallis we have been covered up with requests to re-run a tongue-in-cheek adult fairy tale regarding a fictional Evil Princess and the Duke of Doink.  It seems that some folks are drawing a parallel with the mythical characters that I am by no means endorsing, even though Dave Duquette has voluntarily registered himself on this blog as “Doink“.  Stranger things have happened, have fun. – R.T.

A “Too Close For Comfort” Fractured Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there lived an evil Princess whose name was Sue.  The evil Princess had it in her mind that all Unicorns were bad and that she and her followers should kill all of them.  No one knew where this idea had come from, but Princess Sue was very persistent when it came to her hatred of the magical Unicorns.

The evil Princess also thought that they tasted good, not for her of course, but for the poor, needy and rather dopey people that kept her in her esteemed office.  So she came up with the plan that if she could get all the poor and needy people to kill all of the Unicorns then she would clear the way for a great big BBQ where all of the ignorant people, in her opinion, could eat the meat that was once the Unicorns.

To ensure that her plan would work, she went to the King of Wyoming and asked his approval.  Just recently the King and his court laughed at her and said “No” when she wanted to sell road kill on the side of the road as a delicacy.  They saw how it hurt the little rolly-polly Princess’ feelings, so in an effort to keep peace in the kingdom the King said OK.  Now the King and his court knew that it was against the Emperor’s law to eat Unicorn meat and that the killing of Unicorns was not socially acceptable in not only their kingdom but in the Empire as well, but they thought this would keep little rotund Princess Sue busy and out of their hair.  And it did.

The Evil Princess started a club with only about three members and formed an alliance with a Duke from the neighboring Kingdom of Doink.  Princess Sue and her new buddy the Duke of Doink soon set out to kill all of the Unicorns in the Kingdom of Wyoming.

First the Princess held a contest where people, who had little money to begin with, could purchase tickets to win a carriage.  She ran into a few problems with the King’s Court on this one as it was unbecoming of a member of the Royal Family to be hustling tickets to the poor so she transferred all the transactions over to the Duke in the Kingdom of Doink.  When that didn’t pan out she threw in the option of winning a hat, oh boy, and again there were few takers but she still wanted to keep the money from the two people who purchased tickets, anyway.

Then she began to make plans for the big BBQ.  She would have bands and magicians and all sorts of entertainment while the common, ignorant voters dined on the flesh of the Unicorns.  What Princess Sue did not tell her 3 followers was that the Unicorns were protected by an ancient curse.  A curse that made the killing of these beloved, sentient beings a mortal sin and all that killed them would lose their minds and ultimately their lives.  Such a horrendous crime as killing a Unicorn was further underscored by that fact that to allow even the smallest piece of Unicorn flesh to cross one’s lips would result in immediate and painful political death.  These secrets the Princess and the Duke rationalized amongst themselves until one day, they came upon their very first wild Unicorn.

Now Princess Sue and the Duke of Doink had puffed out their chests and told everyone how they had slayed many a Unicorn, but in reality when they met one in the wild for the very first time, both of them peed their pants.

Princess Sue immediately  reached to draw her “pen of legislation” in an effort to slay this grand being and the Duke of Doink stuttered and grasped at a misspelled pronoun and curse words to explain the situation as the wild Unicorn simply bowed, touched both of them on their shoulders with it’s horn and said, “We forgive you.”

In an instant the Unicorn was off to the heavens in a flurry of powerful wings and a rush of air as the Princess and Duke loaded up their shorts with their previous meal.  They couldn’t speak, they couldn’t move and surely they couldn’t stand the smell of each other.  So legend has it that they froze in that spot, the spot where they were shown compassion and love by the very entity that they sought to destroy.  Somewhere, in the wilds of the Kingdom of Wyoming stand the petrified remains of a chubby misguided Princess and her forever clueless Duke of Doink with mouths wide open, eyes staring in abject wonder and underpants forever stained with their spineless fear.  They stand as a testament to ignorance, stupidity and rampant heartlessness forever frozen in time by the love of life and all the goodness that the wild Unicorns have to share with us.

The Empire lived in peace forever and ever.

The End.

9 replies »

  1. Delightful, hysterically delicious! What an imagination and entertaining writer you are,
    clever and so timely. : )

    I really needed a great laugh tonight, to counter balance the tremendous sorrows of those little Paiute horses, gone to slaughter! I actually got physically ill today watching the video by Karen Mayfield, and then knowing they were on their way already.

    May the Wild Unicorns leave their enchanting spell of love and peace in the Empire, freezing evil, forever & ever……. Thanks RT.


  2. Excellent, RT!! It is a great pity that these two “people” cannot be sent far, far, far away. Let’s say… oh Mars maybe!!!


  3. Twas the night before Christmas and all through the woods
    They were out poaching…so they put up their hoods
    Dave with his rifle and Sue with her platter
    Looking for make Ole Sue fatter
    When out from the bushes, majestic they stood
    Saying “this is our land” as only they could
    Dave dropped his rifle…Sue shit her draws
    Oh no they screamed…that’s not santa claus
    They ran down the hill like the cowards they are
    Knowing for sure that the wild ones cannot be far
    They ran them for miles, in the cold freezing night
    And wished they had wings, so they could take flight
    Dave and Sue, now trapped in the pen
    Thought..we will be freed….but when?
    Up for adoption…3 strikes..their out
    Its off to slaughter, they have no doubt
    Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night
    The slaughter will be humane….no need for fright


  4. In my version– a huge stampede of unicorns rises up and impales Sue and Dave, BLM and the Cattoors etc. with their unicorn horns–and repeatedly says to them–“It’s OK ; it won’t hurt, it’s humane, it’s for your own good,it’s better than starving”.
    Thanks RT — and to catK–we will keep them in our thoughts–all the disappeared ones.


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