Highly Scientific Report: The Budweiser Clydesdales Aren’t Real

Source: Horse Nation

“Happy Labor Day and welcome to an extended ‘Feel Good Sunday’.  No need to jump right back into business, let’s take another day to laugh and slap each other on the back; tomorrow we can pick up the sword and head back to battle.  Please, enjoy yourselves this day!” ~ R.T.


Maria Wachter is here to rain on everyone’s favorite horse-drawn parade: after careful observation, she’s come to the highly scientific conclusion that the Budweiser Clydes are a giant lie.

Flickr/Sam Howzit/CC

Flickr/Sam Howzit/CC

After lots of research, wondering and watching, I have came to the theory that the Budweiser Clydesdales are fake. They’re either a computer-generated holographic, men dressed up in those giant horse suits, or a hallucination from drinking too much coffee while playing with too many Breyer horses at one time.

How have I came to this conclusion, you ask? You probably think I’m delusional, but let me try and explain myself through a number of definitely scientific and provable theorems:

1. Those horses are WAY too clean.

I’ve had horses with white socks before, even without all the feathering that they have and either A: they are yellow from piss stains, B: they somehow always seem to get scratches or photosensitivity or C: a combination of both. Even after tons of different shampoos and scrubbing, they never have been anywhere as white-legged as their famous draft cousins.

2. They NEVER poop.

Come on, really, has anyone in the history of humans seen one of these beasts take a crap? The answer is no.

3. They are always happy.

They never have their ears back or swish their tails. We all know that is impossible for all horses.

4. They work together … really well.

I can’t even get my herd to hang out in a pasture together without trying to kill each other, and these guys are all working in unison, while pulling a wagon in front of the whole world. They’re always on their A game.

5. They look good on camera.

I’ve filmed my own horses and they all look like a bunch of stick-legged hippos on film, so it’s safe to say these horses are fake.

6. Whenever there’s a job opening available to take care of these massive beasts, people come out of the woodwork begging for a job — even people that work at fancy places that have pensions and benefits.

Yet for some reason most other horse-groom employment jobs only attract convicts, working students and soccer moms, if they can be filled at all.

7. They are way too smart.

If you’ve seen any Super Bowl commercials at all, you know that is some real acting there. A normal horse is no thespian. Comedian, perhaps. Actor, no.

8. They all look identical.

Seriously, this is a big point of pride to the Budweiser people, that their horses all match. That’s because they’re probably grown in a petri dish in a highly-secretive lab way up in the mountains somewhere.

So, after all this research, it’s safe to say these horses are definitely fake. Sorry if I crushed your dreams and ruined your lives.

14 comments on “Highly Scientific Report: The Budweiser Clydesdales Aren’t Real

  1. I think the writer of this article is on drugs. She should watch gentle Giants on RFD-TV and she would see how these horses are taken care of. They are privileged to their own stalls with loads of people to take care of every one of their needs. I have palominos white stockings and they are always clean. Apparently this woman doesn’t know how to take care of her horses and doesn’t understand that a well-trained horse will handle crowds and parades. I’m sure she doesn’t have the finances to take care of her horses as these horses are taken care of. If her horses look bad on film it’s probably because they are not well taken care of. She should do more research on taking care of her own horses and not worry about the Budweiser Clydesdales.

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    • I was hoping for just a bit of levity, this holiday morning…color me stupid.

      Our horses have the distinct luxury, this year, of dining on rich, green grass 24/7 and are only stalled for 45 minutes each morning for their man made breakfast. And even after their daily brushing they go right out to roll in either the sand or the mud, depending on the weather. So we take CARE of our horses but they are distinctly and obviously dirty, by choice, the bulk of the time. So goes the life of a horse.

      I thought the tongue-in-cheek article was amusing and enjoyed it.

      Again, I guess my understanding of natural horses is misplaced.

      Oh, and one of my charges is a gentle giant with a white blaze and sock…he loves the mud and I enjoy his happiness in getting filthy. (I am not allowed to roll in the pond, they are.)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nope – you are NOT stupid! As Geri said – seems like people would rather be offended. Why – I have no idea – but most of us got a good laugh out of Maria’s “scientific and provable theorems”, I’m sure! Happy Sunday (& Labor Day)

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  2. I used to see these gentle giants quite frequently as a kid at Busch Gardens in Virginia before they were relocated — they still have Clydesdales, just not the Budweiser ones. One of the employees told me that they are selectively bred for bay coats with a blaze and only geldings pull the coach, so that explains a lot. 😄 And the mention of Breyer model horses! I happen to collect them. Who else loves them?

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  3. I am sure a lot of us read the article and realized it was supposed to be a funny spin on the Clydesdales—-and it brought a smile
    And Starry—
    Although I never did collect Breyers, I do collect the pot metal horses from the 50’s, my husband has always indulged me in these (it’s his way of never having to deal with a real live horse)

    For those who need the real thing ——
    https://simplymarvelous.wordpress.com/2008/02/17/about-the-budweiser-clydesdales

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  4. Got news for you. This is the true breed. Clydesdale horse are simply this amazing. Most people are drawn to work for the famous historical and wonderous horses out of love admiration and love. Why not? Its living history. My horses can be that white clipped groomed braided and performing together in synchronization within a short amount of time. They look perfect because they r. They poop. yes its funny but are we really dealing with idiots like this person? The horses are lovable sweet friendly and yes personable. Matched with precision and care driven with skill. Its honest dedication and hard work. Well bred properly trained and yes super clean. Just as a Clyde deserves. Move off lady and let Real Horsepeople show how its done!

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  5. This is an FYI, RT. I couldn’t get the post to open, but I probably can’t run it because I can’t risk pissing off a big advertiser. Thought I’d let you know though.

    Long

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