Why Deer are Not Horses

Satirical Story by unknown author and R.T. Fitch

Wild Deer, Wild Horses, Big Difference

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, tame it and have a little petting zoo for the grandkids when they come over, they are getting bored with the cattle and I don’t have any horses so this could be a very cheap and natural way to go.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my automatic pet feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up – 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away, I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a horse. A cow or a horse in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer– no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.

There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for being a amateur deer zoo keeper. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before hand… kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do, I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when …… I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed ahold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head–almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp … I learned a long time ago that, when an animal – like a horse – strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope…to sort of even the odds!!

I swear to drinking that I had not been God… An Educated Farmer.

28 comments on “Why Deer are Not Horses

  1. Going at the petting zoo thing all wrong…and read the yearling. If you don’t have the patience for the book, watch the film or as your local wildlife service/rescue if they have any fawns in need of fostering. You won’t need a rope…….but that was pretty funny. Did you hear any hissing in this battle? They snort/hiss as a warning.

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    • Hey…I did not do this. We have a resident herd of deer on our ranch and we enjoy them, feed them and the horses like their little buddies, too. Everything is more beautiful free and not fenced. A friend forwarded a chopped up version of this and I simply cleaned it up. And I swear to drunk that I was not God when I did it.

      ________________________________

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  2. Rolling on the floor and so appreciate the Satire this morning. Again you made my day R.T. Go relax on the Lord’s day, you’ve darn sure earned it!

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  3. R.T. Thank you for the laugh. You had the whole family rolling! Hope you are ok and your hurt pride was all that lingered from your ride.

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  4. hehehehe cant stop laughing (its been a long time) Having deers in my back yard they have snorted at me , and stamped their hooves at me , I know they can be fierce , so i feed and run back in the house,, they are beautiful , but will think they need to protect themselves from us, HUMMMMM wonder where they ever got that idea ??????????

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  5. I was laughing so hard reading this! Thanks for posting it. I have always wondered if you could gentle a deer like you can a horse….guess not! At least not by roping one…guess they are missing that partnership gene 🙂

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  6. TWO WILD MUSTANGS SHOT AND KILLED ON HERD MANAGEMENT AREA IN IDAHO:

    http://www.localnews8.com/news/30153900/detail.html
    BLM Investigating After Wild Horses Shot In Idaho
    By Associated Press
    POSTED: 4:32 pm MST January 6, 2012
    BOISE, Idaho — The Bureau of Land Management is investigating the shooting deaths of two wild mustangs on the Hardtrigger Wild Horse Herd Management Area in southwestern Idaho.
    The BLM said it received a report Tuesday from someone who spotted the dead horses on public land about 15 miles southeast of Marsing.
    The agency is offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of those responsible for the shootings.
    BLM State Director Steve Ellis says the 1971 Wild Horse and Burro Act states it is a federal crime for anyone to maliciously cause the death of a wild horse.
    Anyone with information is asked to call Loren Good, Idaho BLM Law Enforcement, Assistant Special Agent in Charge, at (208) 373-4024

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  7. Well, I’m glad you learned and didn’t lose any limbs (or consciousness) in the process. But I have to say, isn’t it better to leave wild and free animals, well, wild and free? It seems to me that is what this blog is about, right?

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    • Just to be clear, gang…this was forwarded to me by a friend and I dressed it up a bit as I, too, that it was a scream. But we DO have horses, no cattle, and we do have a lot of deer on our land and we have no desire to pet them, only watch them play and have fun being wild and safe…but this tale just tickled my funny bone.

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  8. Everyone has the idea that wild and some domestic animals just come quickly and respond to our crazy ideas. I visulized the attack and just came off the floor from laughter. They are small by mighty. I saw a picture of a stupid hunter who loaded himself up with the hormones of the female deer. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, but this guy was trampled kicked, attacked and I’m sure bitten. The buck almost killed him, not to mention the fact that the buck tried to mount him. My shoer always said to stay clear of the deer. They are docile, but it they are upset, you are in big trouble. Thank you for that enlightening education regarding your proposed petting zoo. It appears that the herd has taught him well. To all, enjoy your Sunday!

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  9. Sorry everyone…as a dog rescuer and foster mom, with 2 big rotties of my own, I really did not like or appreciate, the Pit Bull analogy. They are getting enough of a bad rap on a daily basis. They don’t need more negativity because someone wasn’t thinking…On a lighter note…it was very funny. 🙂

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  10. ENJOYED THE LAUGH, AS I AM SURE IS WHAT THE TALE WAS FOR, THOSE THAT TOOK ISSUE WITH ANY PART OF IT NEED TO LIGHTEN UP AND JUST ENJOY LIFE. NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE AN OBJECT LESSON. THANKS FOR THE LAUGH..

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  11. Geez R.T., I So needed this belly, tear-rolling Laugh today!…so glad I ‘saved’ it until now 🙂 & even though I knew it Couldn’t Be U, your 1st-person tale gave the best Visuals ever! ….still giggling…..
    But do U know: in WV a few years ago, a somewhat dim-bulb Hunter…{from outa state, I’m sure?}, set out to bring home a real Wild Turkey for Thanksgiving delights? Well, apparently this trophy Turkey was, like King of his gaggle or something, & the hunter only Wounded it….so, (unknowing he had the King of the forest), said Hunter figured he’d just throw the suffering creature Into the Trunk, along WITH his shotgun & whatever else is needed; then wait until he got home to Kill the thing….so it would be FRESHER meat !?
    Well, he drove it on to the home place, called the young’uns out to see…
    & when the trunk opened…that Turkey actually SHOT him!!with his own handy shotgun !! [ok. We’re not supposed to Laugh, right? Hehehe…]
    Then, while he writhed on the ground, cussing up a storm, behind his open car trunk, the Turkey hopped out…& BIT him on the face, too!….before hobbling away into the sunset…
    & it just seems to Prove, that there truly IS a need for “you’re-just-too-stupid-tickets”, occasionally….doesn’t it ?? (….I swear, it was on the news for days 🙂

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  12. That was very funny! And, very cleverly written! 🙂 And, the “writer” survived to educate the rest of us crazy humans!

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  13. Soooo funny! I needed that laugh. (But it was too factual to be made up. Are you sure you didn’t just “edit” out your horses to protec t the innocent?)

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